With a head full of thoughts, you’d think it would be easy to get them onto paper, but nope! Sometimes, with the best of intentions, I turn on my laptop, open a new blog post and just stare at a blank screen.
The combination of not knowing where to start, not knowing how to make things sounds remotely coherent, and not being able to take them back once they’re written down makes me end up not writing anything at all.
Lockdown has been for about two months now. It’s affected everybody in different ways, and understandably some more that others. I think it’s fair to say that we all feel under some kind of a curfew, being told when and where we can go out, and who we can and can’t see. It’s unnatural, it’s uncertain, and most of all it is unsettling.
It has given a lot of time to be with your thoughts and I have concluded that I do not do well with this! Work is good, in that it is busy, we are lucky that we get an element of a social life as we are with our colleagues everyday, and we are occupied. Home is not so good. I live alone and I don’t currently have a garden – just a quick shout out to the English weather for being as helpful as ever! (Guaranteed rain when this is all over…?)
I’ve struggled more than I care to admit, and that’s probably half the reason that I haven’t posted in a while, because I don’t want to admit it. I don’t mind living by myself, but that’s interspersed with seeing friends or going out or having dinner with the girls (which we have maintained via Facetime but it’s not quite the same). It’s also interspersed with hugs which I really, really miss.
In the last couple of months, lockdown aside, I have continued to have legal battles (less at work than at home which is not something to be proud of), I’ve been given a start date with a new Police Force and I feel like I’m sat on a very high emotional fence not sure which way I’m about to fall off it.
If you’ve followed my Twitter or this blog for a while, you will be well versed in the last two years of my life. If you’re relatively new to either/both, firstly – hey! Secondly, the short version is that I moved forces two years ago due to the location of my husband’s job. Transpires he is controlling, violent and virtually kicked me out of my own home about 9 months after I transferred. The less said about him the better and I am probably still not ready to talk about all of it, but he broke me in a number of ways, and the legal battles around the house etc. continue, slowly.
I made the decision before Christmas that it was time to go home. It is no great secret, or surprise really, that there was only one reason I ever left. That reason no longer exists in my life, and where I am is not home. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy here, but there is nothing holding me here. On this rare occasion, my head and my heart are in agreement!
Leaving is going to be so tough, the friends I have made up here have saved me this past year. I moved into one of their homes, they’ve picked me up every time I’ve broken, they’ve made me laugh when I’ve just wanted to cry. It couldn’t be more true that I couldn’t have done it without them, and I really don’t know where I would be now if it wasn’t for them.
I guess when the people in your life are prepared to fight your fight with you, it is too soon to give up.
Sometimes it is too hard to see the bigger picture, and you’re left looking at what is in front of you. For me, that was dead ends everywhere I looked and not sure how or when any of this would ever end. I found myself thinking “what’s the point” far too often, and I was running out of fight. At least with lockdown you can have a little cry without people seeing!
I am currently torn between friends here saying “Pleeeeeeease don’t go” and friends at home saying “OMG you’re home in X days!!” – It’s like emotional whiplash!
Reflection is important. It’s as important as perspective. Don’t just look at the last few weeks, look at the bigger picture.
Those days where we took everything for granted are gone, and we will no doubt cherish those little moments all the more in future.
Those days of rushing around are gone, because cleaning the living room has to last about a week or you’ll run out of things to do!
Those days of saying “I’ll see you soon” are gone too, because when we can, we actually will make time for those people. We miss them.
I have started sorting through stuff to pack, and I have concluded that it will be really tough to leave my little flat, it’s been my little safe place this past year, so I keep putting off the sorting!
It’s comforting to take a minute to reflect sometimes. On how far we have come, on the memories we have made, on the achievements we have and the lessons we have learnt. And it is important to remember that we take our memories wherever we go, they aren’t geographically specific.