As I sit here writing this, I think about this time last year, and how wildly different everything was.
This time last year I was going through 91 exhibits for a Crown Court Trial due to start the following morning, which ended up running for 10 days. I was a teenie bit stressed. You never feel more “trial ready” than just before you meet with the Prosecutor and they pick out all the holes! Trying to predict what they’ll ask is an art yet to be perfected.
This time last year I had a husband, a home and a future. Boy how that changed in 24 hours.
This time last year three horrendous criminals hadn’t seen justice. That was about to change.
This time last year I’m fairly certain the word “Coronavirus” hadn’t even been invented. This does actually give me some hope. A year is a bloody long time, but it goes really, really fast. A year can do a lot for one person, a year can change a lot things, hopefully this time next year I can write “do you remember Coronavirus? What an arse that was.”
Time is a weird thing. It’s a healer and your own worst enemy. It shows you just how far you’ve come, and reminds you of all the anniversaries. It flies by in the blink of an eye, but makes you feel like you haven’t made any progress.
Sometimes I feel myself thinking “I cannot believe it’s been a year” and others “how has it only been a year?” I guess it depends on my mindset at the time. On the days when I want to crawl under a rock, the former. On the days where I feel I’m making progress, the latter.
Fast forward a year. I have a better relationship with my Solicitor than my ex. I have made a new home for myself. I am putting myself back together, I cry less. I try to remind myself of the progress I have made in myself, and the progress I am making with my Solicitor when I just want to give up. I remind myself that I am lucky I am safe, and out of that toxic relationship. I have nailed (most of the time) the “I’m okay thank you how are you?” Sometimes, it’s just easier than speaking the truth. Other times, I send messages like this (ooops).
Maybe I’m not always okay…! Thank God for understanding friends.
But so much more has happened. I realise that the eight year sentence handed out to three of my defendants in June 2019 has barely begun. I think about the number of victims I have helped in the last 12 months, the amount of people we have seen convicted. The memories made with friends and family, the plans made for the next 12 months. It’s all about perspective. I really need to start remembering that!
We are two weeks into a three week lockdown. I have absolutely no doubt that we will see this extended for at least another three weeks. We do not know what is going to happen, we can guess and predict, but we do not know. Let’s see what comes out of the advice at Easter, let’s hope our isolation is working, let’s hope that together we can kick Corona’s arse. It has never been more about teamwork.
With how we are feeling about Coronavirus now is not dissimilar to how I felt this time last year. Totally different circumstances, however not totally different emotions.
- How on earth am I getting through this?
- What do I do now?
- Whenever will this end?
- Why does it feel like I’m in control of nothing?
A lot can happen in a year, and a year ago everything was different. I do genuinely believe we will get there. Yes it will be shit, there’s no doubt in that, but we can do it. One day at a time, small achievements, but we will see the difference and we will get there.
I hope that this time next year we are all getting back on our feet and rather than “How on earth am I getting through this?” we can say “We did it”. Rather than “Whenever will this end?” we can say “Wow it’s been *** months already” and “do you remember lockdown?!”
This is going to be a really hard year, but it is only a year.
Be safe & be sensible x